February 27, 2017

My Faith Monday #1

Hello everyone, I’m trying out My Faith Mondays for a chance. I think I totally have stuff to talk about. I have absolutely no clue where to start. Life has been good, but I don’t think my relationship with God has been as tight as it used to. I was seriously tossed into a hurricane last summer, and out of it all I was alone, but I figured out who I am, who I want to be, what I do and don’t like, what I believe in, and what I don’t, and so on, so fourth. One of the things I learned about myself is my top five fears.

  1. Not living
  2. Failure
  3. Being left
  4. Relationships
  5. Scorpions

So, I have randomly started being paranoid about my third worst fear, being left. I have been left by a lot of people last year, and it felt liberating, but I really cared about them. I have never had such a good set of friends until this year. Every other friend I had put me down. It hurt but I had nobody. Because of the summer I spent getting to know myself, I learned how to love myself, and adore being alone. But now that I have a good group of friends they mean so much to me. I’ve gotten close with a few of them. I’ve known my friend Victor since 2nd grade, and I actually confide in him sometimes
(surprising, because I have really bad trust issues). JoJo, now he’s my best friend. I’ve only known him this year, and to be honest I think he’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and as a friend I love him and all my boys to death. We have just finally started to connect without having to play truth in our conversations, we can actually talk, but like last time right when we both got to know each other, and I cared about the other person, they decided to leave. Now I am so afraid it’s going to happen.

Back to the paranoia, so now that I have a group of friends I really love I have been so worried that they’re going to leave. I know they most likely won’t but last time I loved my friends and they left. I am fine with being alone, but as I’ve said, I really care about these guys. I’ve been trying to do a short bible study on my mobile bible app, to help with my anxiety and today’s devotional brought up something so important. If I want to trust in God I have to actually let him be within me. I have to actually let my guard down. Anyone who actually knows me knows I have real trust issues, and to even let God in now that I think about it is difficult. I would be hanging out with my close friend my mind would tell me not to get to close, and not to get attached because they were all going to leave me. You’d think I’d have more faith and less fear in both my friends and my God.

I can’t believe myself. The guys and I hung out for a long time yesterday, and they put up with my annoying self, and my inability to play pool, and I still think that they don’t like me, and that they want to leave. I have that quality that sometimes annoys people, especially now that people are so sensitive.I don’t think I’d be able to handle being left again if anything did happen.

Even when I went to church the pastor was talking about telling the people you care about that you care about them. Who knows maybe this is my way of saying thank you, and I love you to my friends.

In the end I think I need to get out of my own head, and let God in, because being paranoid of Β being left. I have never had such good friends that I could depend on until this year, and it means so much to me. I am grateful to be able to have them. Freaking anxiety making me get in my own head.

This might have been annoying, but I really needed to talk, thanks for reading this if you actually read it all. Please like and subscribe for more.

God be with you, have a good life, and catch ya on the flip side.

-Issie

 

 

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